Hey Nerds,
I’ve wanted to write this post for awhile, but we had to slug through the series on homeownership first.
Let’s get real.
I’m a 37 year old woman in a long-term, committed relationship with a very loving man. We have dated since we were 21 and 20 years old, respectively. When we first started dating, I candidly thought we would have beautiful children. But (massive BUT) we were so young and I had no desire to have a child in my early 20’s. Besides, we weren’t married. (I have, obviously, changed my opinion on marriage since then.)
As the years passed, we moved in together and started a life of travel and adventure. Mr. TPTQ landed a job at an airline and we started traveling hard. In the past 13 years we have visited 20 countries/territories and 24 states. We didn’t feel like the life we were happy living was conducive for having children, so we didn’t. Plus we really liked doing what we wanted, more or less, when we wanted. We relished the freedom our lifestyle afforded us, while we watched friends and family raise kids.
And then it hit me one day, between the travel and visiting breweries and staying up late to watch Pac-12 football or Netflix: I didn’t want children. It wasn’t quite that, but really the realization that I didn’t have a desire to have children or become a mother. There never was a moment where I saw a baby and felt a deep need to have a baby. I distinctly remember driving with someone (relationship intentionally left vague) on a freeway in Arizona and she told me she felt a deep desire to have a kid. I’ve never had that feeling. Ever. Not even a little. Friends would hand me their baby, I’d hold it for a bit, and happily hand it right back. They aren’t for me and that’s OK.
BUT HEAD NERD, What About…
Now I know that my decision to not have kids doesn’t sit well with everyone. Believe me, I am well aware. Let me share many of the various responses I’ve received when I say we don’t have kids (or we don’t want kids):
- But you guys would have such beautiful children!
You are correct, we would. NOT a good enough reason to have a child. - But you guys would make amazing parents!
Sure, I think so too. But having the potential to BE a good parent doesn’t mean I want to… - But your mother would make an amazing grandparent!
Spoiler alert: She is an amazing grandparent. To my niece. - But you could name it a combination of your names and it would be darling!
Seriously? No. - But our children could have play dates!
<insert eye roll emoji> Nope. - But you’ll never truly know love until you have a child!
Oh hell to the no. You can find me in the kitchen, banging my head against the counter, pouring myself a drink.
Here’s the thing, all of these “Buts” aren’t good enough reasons for me to have a child that I know I don’t want. That sounds harsh, but it’s better I acknowledge that I don’t want a child than have one and harbor feelings of regret and secretly hold this against my child. You may call it selfish, (heck, the Pope went ahead and said it,) but I don’t see it that way. It’s simply wanting a different life.
Is it because I’m a Millennial?
Recently, I had a conversation with my high school best friend about how we both have grown up and made the decision that we simply don’t want to have kids. He made a comment that he thinks it’s generational, as he couldn’t think of any of his parents’ friends not having children. It got me thinking–I couldn’t think of any of my parents’ married friends that didn’t have children either. Today I have many friends who are part of a couple that does not presently have children. That may change, and that’s OK. People change. Their goals and aspirations change. But for now we don’t feel nearly as different or ostracized as we could because there are more couples like us than past generations.
And we truly aren’t alone. There’s the blog we’re not having a baby that celebrates one couples’ decision to live a child-free life. They haven’t posted since 2019, but the posts are worth a read and they did put out a book! I just got paid and I think I may just have to buy Childfree by Choice: The Movement Redefining Family and Creating a New Age of Independence. If I do, I’ll be sure to put an update on here to share my thoughts.
Fun Fact: I tried to find something on the web to definitively say if Millennials aren’t having children. The majority of what’s out there is that Millennials are making the decision to delay having children because of a myriad of reasons. They have substantial debt they want to pay off before having a child. Paid maternity/paternity leave in the U.S. is absurdly lacking. Healthcare costs are astronomical. Childcare costs an arm and a leg. Etc. And all of these are legitimate reasons to hold off on children. If you’re reading this and are thinking you may want to have kids some day, don’t let your dream die. I support your decision either way.
Part of me thinks that my generation, and especially the generation that has followed, realize that they don’t have to want the lives their parents wanted. They can lead meaningful, fulfilled, happy lives without a big family or a big house or all the other trappings of the dated American dream. We are moving towards a future that is more open to non-traditional lifestyles becoming just lifestyles and everyone can pursue the life that suits them.
Here’s what not wanting a child doesn’t mean
It’s important that I address some common misconceptions about not wanting children. Not wanting children does NOT mean that I:
- Hate children
- Will change my mind
- Am not happy
- Will regret my decision
- Fear for what I’ll do when I’m old
- Can’t have children (but even if I couldn’t, that’s really none of your business)
- Have something wrong with me
- Am any less of a woman because I haven’t given birth
- Am not part of a family unity, it’s just a smaller one
There was a really great photo that was recently shared around LinkedIn. I want to share it with you all. It was created by Lisa Bilyeu. You should check her out on Instagram, because she perfectly shares her own personal journey to deciding she didn’t want kids (and a lot more).
So the moral of this post is it took me many years to really acknowledge and admit what I had felt for awhile: I don’t want children. That doesn’t make me a bad person or less of a woman, it makes me human. The world needs all types of people, I’m the type that won’t invite you to their child’s birthday party or cancel last minute because their kiddo is sick. What I am is that friend who will accept your invitation to your child’s birthday party because I think they’re a little badass and is totally flexible/will understand when you have to cancel. I’ll also run around like an idiot with our 3 year old niece and relish embarrassing two nieces who are teenagers with my apparent lack of coolness. (Hello! I’m effing rad.)
Let’s not think women like me need sympathy, but celebrate having such a clear understanding of what we want. That’s kind of refreshing, right?
Cheers,
Head Nerd