Hey Nerds,
Let’s talk cohabitation. I know there are probably some individuals out there who are staunchly against cohabitation. You shouldn’t live together before marriage. Here’s what I have to say to them, cool. If that’s what you believe, then I respect your right to that belief and wish you all the best.
As for my NP4L and myself, we’ve dated for 16 years and 2 months. We’ve cohabited for 13 years and roughly a week. That includes two moves across half the country, two states, three apartments, one stint with a roommate, and two houses. We’ve been through like five or six couches, three vacuums, six cars (we currently own three), and an incalculable number of cell phones, laptops, and other electronic devices. We started cohabiting because after graduating from graduate school and undergrad, respectively, we knew we wanted to continue a life together. When I got a job in Arizona, we made the move and knew it didn’t make sense to have two sets of bills. My mother initially objected, but I kindly reminded her of three things: 1) living together made more sense financially, 2) wouldn’t she feel better knowing I had someone living with me for my safety, and 3) it really wasn’t her decision. After all these years, we still like each other’s faces. A lot. And we’ve never regretted our decision.
And here’s the thing, cohabitation isn’t that uncommon anymore. According to the Pew Research Center, by 2017 more adults had cohabited at some point in their life than gotten married.
And opinions on cohabitation are shifting, with 69% of adults saying it’s acceptable even if the two never plan on getting married.
We readily recognize our living situation is not traditional. We have never had joint bank accounts. While we have signed leases together, we did not buy our houses together. The first was bought by my NP4L. Our current house was bought by yours truly. To share in the financial responsibility, the majority of utilities are paid by the individual who is not currently paying the mortgage. Everything else is more or less split down the middle by totaling up our expenses quarterly and settling up. This includes things like dining out, groceries, entertainment, and other joint purchases/expenses. It’s a little tedious, but it works for us.
Now you may ask yourself, if we’re functioning like we’re married…why don’t we get married? My response, why should we? What’s the old adage…if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Our relationship works really well as is, so why would we go and get married? Add in my dear NP4L’s father told him on his deathbed to never get married. Oof. You never forget that type of sage advice.
Here’s the thing, I’ve witnessed some amazing marriages. My parents were married for 44 years before my father passed away. They were together at least 50 years if you count the time they dated. Was it all rainbows and sunshine? Heck no, but relationships aren’t easy. I’ve also witnessed some brutal, ugly divorces that I personally could never bear to experience. It was hard enough to witness them from the peripheral. In the end, what my NP4L and I have is perfect for us. We both know we’re not going anywhere and we’ve worked SO hard to ensure our success together as a single, unified unit.
But Head Nerd, if you’ve lived together that long aren’t you common law married? Nope. It’s commonly thought that simply living together for a predetermined amount of time makes two people common law married. There’s only 16 states that recognize common law marriages and many of those have big ol’ asterisks next to them for specific stipulations for recognition. Some other states, like Nebraska, will only recognize a common law marriage if it was established in another state prior to moving to that state. In the state of Texas, common law marriage is proved by evidence that the couple:
- “agreed to be married”; and
- “after the agreement they lived together in this state as husband and wife”; and they
- “represented to others that they were married”
Fun Fact: We have never agreed to be married. We have never lived together as husband and wife, just as partners cohabiting. And the closest we have ever gotten to representing to others that we are married is when we choose not to correct someone who has mislabeled our partner because it’s just not worth our time to do so. (The cashier at a grocery store who says “your husband” doesn’t need the story of our relationship and how he’s my partner and not my husband. A co-worker very well may get the full rundown, but I don’t owe it to them either.)
But even though we are not officially or common law married, we have taken the precautions to ensure that we have similar legal rights and protections as a married couple. If you are cohabiting with a loved one, then you should consider putting together the following documents:
- Cohabitation Agreement: we don’t presently have one of these, but this type of document is a great idea if you are entering into a new cohabitation. These documents help outline financial obligations during the length of your cohabitation and can even cover what happens after it ends (including due to death).
- Wills and Beneficiaries: we definitely have these buttoned up. Remember that if you were to die tomorrow without a will or designated beneficiaries for your retirement accounts and life insurance the state decides who receives your assets. Spoiler alert: if you don’t have children, it’s most likely going to your parents or siblings and NOT your partner. ALWAYS designate your beneficiaries.
- Durable Power of Attorney: we’ve got this one too. A durable power of attorney allows you to grant legal and financial authority to a named individual. You know what, this isn’t specific to cohabitants. When my father went into the hospital and was in medical care for nearly 13 months before his passing, my parents didn’t have a durable power of attorney set up. My mother had to jump through tons of legal hoops to obtain a durable power of attorney for my father so she could make decisions on his behalf. This involved a woman calling my sister and myself to make sure we agreed my mother was the best person to act in this capacity. It was another headache in an already stressful time that is easily knocked out with a visitor to a lawyer.
- Advanced Directives for Health Care: yup, we’ve got these too. This one is probably the most important in my eyes, because if something were to happen to my NP4L, and we didn’t have an advanced directive, I’d have no legal right to make medical decisions on his behalf. Heck, the hospital wouldn’t even have to let me see him. That designation would go to his mother or his sister, who live out of state and don’t know him or his wishes as well as I do. This was also one of the hardest to complete, because you have to ponder your own mortality and make decisions on what you would want done if you were in various medical states. It opened us up to some very deep conversations on what we would want the other person to do in various situations and brought us closer together as a couple.
(Disclaimer: I’m not a legal professional. The information provided above is provided for informational purposes only, and should not be construed as legal advice on any subject matter. You should not act or refrain from acting on the basis of any content included in this post without seeking legal or other professional advice. I personally worked with a wonderful lawyer named Monica who helped us set up all of these documents over a few email exchanges, a questionnaire, and a roughly 20-30 minute meeting in her office to sign the various documents. She also provided two copies of the physical documents and her office maintains a digital copy in the event we need them. We found her through our Hyatt Legal Plan.)
I used to jokingly say that every time someone asked me when we were going to get married, I’d add another year to when we would. Now I flat out say probably never. Honestly, the true answer is it’s none of your damn business. It’s our lives to live and we’re happy, thank you very much. But I want people to know that we’ve put careful consideration into why we live the way we do and that if you’re living your best life in a similar fashion, there’s others out there who get it.
16 years together is pretty forking good. It’s especially impressive when you think that the average marriage lasts 8 years from wedding to finalizing the divorce. We’ve already lasted twice as long in our unmarried bliss. And if I’m being honest, I like to think that even our mothers see our relationship, and the love and care we have for one another, and are just happy we found that special nerd with whom we want to share our life together.
Cheers to 16 years,
Head Nerd